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| We do not claim to have written these jokes. They have been taken from the emails that have been sent to us. |
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this
program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time
my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many
times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a
window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also
contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5,
however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as
Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever
selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to
programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such
as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a
reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for
the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous
times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning
messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect
my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is
that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not -
it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run
everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have
already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run
better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1,
you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be
added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment
to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on
startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several
days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find
that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic
4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to
rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1",
which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is
important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular
basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more
questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this
program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time
my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many
times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a
window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also
contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5,
however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as
Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever
selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to
programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such
as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a
reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for
the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous
times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning
messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect
my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is
that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not -
it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run
everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have
already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run
better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1,
you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be
added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment
to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on
startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several
days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find
that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic
4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to
rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1",
which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is
important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular
basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more
questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
If horses were software..... A letter to tech support
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver
was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse
water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver
was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse
water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
Lone Ranger and Tonto
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every
four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people
who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be
destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get
dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in
your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, then quit, becayse there is only one way to go. Down!
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every
four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people
who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be
destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get
dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in
your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, then quit, becayse there is only one way to go. Down!
Murphy's Horse Laws
An out-of-towner accidentally drove his car into a deep ditch on a country
road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy.
The man asked for help. The farmer said that Betsy could pull his car
out, so he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled,
"Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really
load, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer
nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the
ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said,
"Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling, she
wouldn't even try."
road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy.
The man asked for help. The farmer said that Betsy could pull his car
out, so he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled,
"Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really
load, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer
nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the
ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said,
"Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling, she
wouldn't even try."
Pull, Betsy, Pull
Something only horse people would understand
When you are tense, Let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, Let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you to slow down.
When you are angry, Let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, Let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, Let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion.
When you are tired, Let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, Let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse!
And now, the REAL DEAL
When you are tense, Let me teach you that there are lions in them thar
woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, l Let me teach you to slog around the
pasture for an hour before you can catch me!
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to figure out where,
exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you that herbivores kick much
faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, Let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind
feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today!
When you are worried, Let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid
service.
When you are self absorbed, Let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION.
Remember, I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 pounds of 'YAHOO
LET"S GO" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion. Lets do Lunch. Also,
breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, Don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that needs to be
unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, Let me teach you the meaning of
Veterinary Services.
When you want to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya.
When you are short tempered, Let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you to slow down.
When you are angry, Let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, Let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, Let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion.
When you are tired, Let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, Let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse!
And now, the REAL DEAL
When you are tense, Let me teach you that there are lions in them thar
woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, l Let me teach you to slog around the
pasture for an hour before you can catch me!
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to figure out where,
exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you that herbivores kick much
faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, Let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind
feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today!
When you are worried, Let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid
service.
When you are self absorbed, Let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION.
Remember, I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 pounds of 'YAHOO
LET"S GO" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion. Lets do Lunch. Also,
breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, Don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that needs to be
unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, Let me teach you the meaning of
Veterinary Services.
When you want to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya.
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